Sunday, December 27, 2009
Before you call me an idiot, let it be known that for as long as I can remember, I have always worked the day after Christmas. That being said, and my ignorance now exposed, you will understand why I would willingly go with my wife to the mall on December 26th. What an idiot!
Somehow in the midst of all of the parking lot chaos, I was able to score a spot right up front which gave us an overwhelming feeling of optimism. Maybe this isn't going to be so bad, I said as we slapped each other a victorious high five.
The game plan was simple, we were to go get a couple of links taken out of my new watch, grab a quick bite to eat and then over to get an iced coffee. The problem with this simple plan was that everybody in the free world had the same simple plan. Well fed,, well caffeinated and well entrenched in this endless sea of shoppers clinging to what was left of the holiday atmosphere and racing to find the perfect sale item to spend their gift cards and Christmas loot on.
In the middle of all of this pandemonium, I just had to pause a moment to observe the different types of people around me. I do this every time I am at the mall, which isn't very often I must tell you, but it always gives me a bit of a chuckle.
You will always run into the group of 5 to 8 teenage boys who haven't quite grown into their ears yet but they think they are the coolest with their hats turned sideways and pants much too large. The heartbeat of mall life clumps to the rhythm of high heels on the tile floors as the over dressed runway types sache much too seriously and full of themselves from one high end shop to the next. And then there is us, we are the stroller pushing, people watching, overbearing kiosk salesman avoiding people who never want to be there as much as we thought we did before we actually got there.
What I have taken from this experience is that next year, we will wait a few days before venturing out into the retail world. I must admit, much to my friends' dismay I'm sure, it really wasn't all that bad.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The Titanic sunk to the bottom of the ocean. No matter how you say it or whether or not you knew someone who went down with the ship, this is an absolute tragedy. But to hear this news with a jelly doughnut in your face, while it's equally as tragic it's a lot more delicious.
Stubbing your little toe on the leg of the coffee table is one of the worst household pains that one can experience without any real bodily damage, think about it and you'll know that I am telling the truth. It's the kind of pain that makes you want to use foul language and spit on your own carpet. Again, take the same scenario and insert a bear claw. There is no less pain and you still want to use foul language but you don't because you have a mouth full of deep fried flavor.
You come home from work to find that your spouse has packed up and left you while you were gone. Oh Crap, I'm really going to miss her/him you'll say, and you will mean it. You totally didn't see that one coming and you feel like there's a hole in the pit of your stomach. Mmmm, well at least he/she didn't take this apple fritter. An obvious oversight that you will take advantage of and for just a moment the void in your soul will be filled.
I am not a scientist nor a therapist, so if you try these methods and they fail to work for you, please do not try to hold me responsible.
Today's topic was brought to you by a complete lack of anything useful or productive to say, but this cinnamon roll is fantastic.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Yesterday, I went outside to deck the house with Christmas lights. I'm a bit late to the show this year, but there's been a lot of the plate so cut me a little slack. The truth about me is that I am not very organized, but when it comes to my Christmas lights, I am as precise as a surgeon. The outdoor lights spend their 11 month slumber neatly placed in their own storage box in the garage. A place for every bulb and every bulb in its place because I would hate to have to deal with a tangled disaster next December.
The box was open, I had my high powered staple gun ready to rock and the lights were well on their way to showtime. There is one shrub in front of the house where 2 sets of hands come in, well, handy I guess. The shrub is close to the side of the house so I usually stand on one side and hand the strand of lights to my wife on the other side and together we wrap the lights around said shrub.
Things were going very well, that is until the wifey came around the shrub and handed me what looked like an electrical nightmare. This is not how I handed them to her between the wall and the green leaves less than 12 seconds ago. No, what I handed her 12 seconds ago was as well organized as a perfectly rolled up garden hose. The picture above is what was returned to me, delivered with a guilty and apologetic smile followed by an outburst of laughter from both of us. "What the Hell is this, Griswald?" I asked once I was able to breathe and the cramp in my side had given way to the tears rolling down my face. She had no explanation for what had happened and was saved by the ringing of her cell phone. Off she scampered, and there I stood alone with my bulbs and wires. THANKS HONEY! MErry christm....................
Monday, December 7, 2009
I've been in kind of a funk lately, a bad one that has lasted a bit longer than some of my funks in the past. I haven't had anything to laugh about really, or should I say that I have not seized the opportunity when it has presented itself because of this dark, unrelenting little funk.
That all changed at 3:27 AM this morning when I rolled out of bed to get ready for work. Yeah, 3:27AM, I work at 5AM on Mondays, it's brutal for a night owl like myself. Anyway, at 3:27 this morning, I lumbered into the bathroom to brush my teeth and go pee,(not neccessarily in that order). That was when I looked in the mirror and realized that my hair had decided to style itself under the curtain of darkness while I slept. It looked as if all of the air in my head had begun to deflate from my left ear at an extremely high psi. All of my hair seemed to stand straight up from the left and then took a hard 45 degree turn to the right. Keep in mind I am not by nature an early riser, so I happened to notice this anomaly with one eye closed and the other reluctant to function at such a ridiculous hour. But this was too good, I had to take the opportunity to crack myself up and I went for it with all of my heart.
I struck the Fonzarellian pose, we all know the one, when he is in his office, aka the mens restroom at Al's Diner and he goes in with both hands to make the neccessary adjustments to his hair only to realize that, "Aaaaaayyyy", it's already perfect. I laughed out loud for a good couple of minutes, trying to stay as quiet as I could so to not wake up the wifey.
Sometimes it's the simple things isn't it? A much needed laugh and a good start to what turned out to be a pretty decent day.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
So today, I got up early as planned. Wifey just about jumped out of her socks to see me out of bed so early on my day off, knowing that it is not my day to get up with the kids, which means getting our oldest off to school. How I was able to pull it off is a mystery, but I never question a good thing. See, I was up on time because we had planned the night before to go out this morning to get all of the Christmas shopping done. We shopped and shopped. And when we were done with that, we shopped some more. All the while I pretended to enjoy it. Target, BevMo (that was fun), Costco, Toy R Us, Baby's R Us. Truth is, I didn't care where we were or what we were doing, I just missed hanging out with my wife. Life has been so hectic with work and the kids and so on, that we seemed to have forgotten about each other lately. What a perfect day, just to be able to enjoy one another's company. Not to mention that 95% of the shopping is done.
We managed to get the Christmas tree all set up tonight too. Quite a festive turn of events considering that both of us have been so burried in our work and soccer games and school events and so on. And that's when it happened. The explosion of laughter that came from the area of this very computer was deafening. It seems that wifey had posted on Facebook that we had spent the day shopping together. Some of my friends have since caught wind of this info and are not very pleased about what I have done to the sacred bond of manhood. I have broken a cardinal rule, it's true. I did it knowing that the risk was great and that the chances of escaping without incident were slim. I was called out in public. A slight breeze picked up at the gallows confirming only that I would swing like a pendulum when the verdict was read and the execution was well, executed. I faught the good fight, I tried to plead my case. It was no good, I had put us all in a bad spot and surely justice had to be served. If I had done it, then there would be no doubt that the rest would be expected to do the same. The bond was broken, the circle of trust had been infiltrated by evil. I took my lumps, I paid the price, AND I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!! Sorry guys, I'll see you at the poker game on Friday right?..........Guys?......Hello?...........Shit!