Friday, December 18, 2009

Good Lord! That's Not Funny

     I bit my lip today, I bit it hard enough to bleed.  Have you ever had to behave in a professional manner with the taste of blood in your mouth?  No big deal right?  We bite our lip, it hurts, we bleed a little and then we move on.  But I did it a second time, in the exact same place.  This time I blamed Jesus Christ, or so it seemed because His was the first name that came to mind and then escaped my mouth as I doubled over from the pain.  This time the blood was too much to ignore and my lip began to swell to a point where it felt like I had a marble between my cheek and gums.

     A few hours went by and I was so busy with my work that I had almost forgotten about the entire incident.  That is until it happened a third time, I mean how could I avoid it?  The inside of my lip was so swollen that it was resting between my teeth.  I looked up to Heaven with that look of complete disbelief and feeling of betrayal.  You know the look, it's the look that you get when you find your best friend and wife in bed together, that look you get when the cool kids at school leave a bag of flaming dog crap on your front porch and then ring the doorbell.  The only word I could get to come out of my mouth as I was swallowing the blood was, "REALLY?!"  That's what I said, but what I was thinking was, "That was completely uncalled for and it's totally not cool even if You are "THE LORD" or whatever."  And then I thought to myself, can this guy read my mind?  Is he going to be mad because I am mad at him?  Am I still going to get presents on His birthday or did I just blow it?  But no, I am the one bleeding here and in a considerable amount of discomfort, so I have a right to be upset.  But then again wait.  How could I be mad at Him for anything?  How could I even mention something so trivial as my bleeding, swollen lip to a Guy who gave His own life so that my sins would be forgiven?  Furthermore, the amount of pain that I was experiencing was laughable in comparison to that which he had endured. So, after wiping the tears that had welled up in the corners of my eyes (yeah, it really hurt that bad, it's a deep bite) and spitting the mouthful of blood into the trash can by my desk, (it was too much to swallow at this point) I laughed it off, looked up to Heaven again (why do we always assume that Heaven is directly above us?) and winked.  Let's face it, I've had this coming for awhile now so it should come as no surprise that this would be my debt to pay.

     You're a funny One Mr. Christ, and if I don't get a chance to talk to you before Friday, Happy Birthday..................................We're cool right?   



  1. and would it be totally irreverent and also put me on the shit list if I were to laugh? because I did. And pretty loud, too.

  2. Hah. I figured this post too blasphemous for anyone to touch. Thanks for being the first to take a chance with me, DfG

  3. Ouch! Hope it doesn't turn into a canker sore. More ouch!

  4. Bite yourself once and you are sure to do it over and over again. The curious laws of hurting oneself.

    I'm sure your still going to get your presents!

  5. LOVE your sense of humor, John. And I'm sure HE does too.

    Hope you are healing well. I've done that before. Hurts like a bitch. And then why is it when you have an open wound in your mouth, you crave tortilla chips and margarettas?

    Oh. Well I do, at least.
    More pain.

  6. Too funny...and Merry christmas! Found you thru F8hasit.

  7. Wow, this was a thoroughly funny post. :)

    I wanted to congratulate you; I'm giving you the One-Minute Writing of the Day award for 12/17. Great job!

    -C. Beth
    The One-Minute Writer

  8. I've always believed God and Jesus laugh. How could they not? I mean, look at all the antics down here! I love that picture... it's truly wonderful!